why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
