That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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