You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
