I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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