im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
