I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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