porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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