I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
