I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
