I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
