just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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