Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We had to coat check the pizza.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
