K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
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He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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