We named our party play list daddy issues
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
