I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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