im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
