By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
