I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
