apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
