Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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