.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
