I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
