:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
