I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
