Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
