How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
