he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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