And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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