i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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