made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
