if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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