Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
