i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
