i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
