I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Houston, we have a squirter
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Couch. On fire.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
