i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
