mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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