My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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