dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
