i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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