then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
