Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
