Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My dick has a subreddit
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
