I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
