Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
