here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
