He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
