I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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