it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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