It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
