I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.