i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.