Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
