benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
