look no pants
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
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I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Semen is not good for contacts.
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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